Here is a dilemma that has caused me much heartache. I have become very sensitive to this issue for the past couple years, and recently have noticed this predicament come up in conversations. Throughout my lifetime, I feel as though I have had more friendships turn into dust than flourish. Having a best friend become a stranger is a difficult process and comes with a range of emotions: anger, despair, confusion. At some point, I have mourned over every friendship that lost its connection—even at this very moment of recollection, I grieve over those relationships.
Although what is done is done, and many of the opportunities for a reconnection has passed—I reflect and wish that the situation had at least been handled differently. It is that initial reaction to the sense of distance–how should we respond? While catching up with a friend, we sat at our favorite café and shared our thoughts about our past friendships along with the ones that felt to be weakening. Comments to give up on the friendship were made; that there was just too much distance and no longer any commonalities, “we are just in different seasons of life.”
Looking back on my decisions made in past friendships that were fading, I wish I would have sourced the feelings of distance to the root of the problem. Giving up on a friendship should not be an impulsive choice, it requires a thought-out decision. So there’s a lack of common ground: could it be caused from the endless miles separating yourself and the other? Perhaps it’s a lack of common interests or inconsistency of beliefs. Or maybe it’s from an unresolved conflict or withheld emotions.
Aspects of a friendship to consider…
Relationships are influential; it has been said “Show me your friends and I will show you your future.” Observe the those you allow to speak into your life and connect its influence to what your future may look like. This is one of the biggest considerations when questioning a friendship, because as much as we all like to label ourselves as “individuals” and “leaders”, we take on the traits of the people we surround ourselves with. Solomon, throughout his wisdom literature, wrote about companionship—“He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20).
Friendships should be equally beneficial. There should be an equal consensus to treat one another with “compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, and discipline” (Colossians 3:12). There should not be a competitive-nature that develops jealousy, but rather encouragement to build each other up.
With each relation that we have with a person, there is a certain role that we play. Within this friendship that we are experiencing dissonance, what is our role? Are we a last option—taken for granted? Are we a comforter and confidant—providing emotional support and a listening ear? Are we a puppet—pressured to mask our true selves? Are we a mentor—being a positive source of influence? The list is indefinite, but it is genuine to realize our position and worth in a friendship.
Focusing on the role of being a mentor: although “bad company corrupts good behavior” if we are disciplined and confident in ourselves, we have the opportunity to demonstrate a love that maybe has never been experienced, “the one who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). Although we ourselves can save no one, we can demonstrate the characteristics of the Savior who makes all things new. In these circumstances, there is always an opportunity to learn from one another.
No matter the decision towards these fading relationships, communication is essential. Express your worries and sensitivities; set aside time to talk. If the time has come where the friendship should come to an end, it is important to demonstrate harmony. “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live in peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).
Ending note:
I pray that we will be guided in our decisions concerning our friendships and that we will become sensitive to the realities of the influence our friends provide. Lord, grant us the wisdom to nurture or separate ourselves with the relationship. You are the ultimate source of joy that let your peace cover us; heal us from the pain that came with the loss of a friendship and a tender heart to forgive one another as you forgave us. I pray that we will be surrounded with positive influences that strengthen our relationship with you, Lord. Amen.
With love,
Paige Muller
P.S. Everything that I wished to say, but did not is compacted in this insightful article, “Ending a Friendship,” by David Treybig.
Relational. 